it's been a while since I have written. I have been competing in a photo contest online, and today's entry was a picture of you and me. Taken in my early twenties when we were working in the kitchen at some Rainbow function or another. We were happy as larks! I had just met my future husband, you were a proud mamma, we were still involved in the youth group together, and we had each other.
The subject of the photo for today was suppose to 'envy'. All I had to do was walk through the hallway in my new house, which you have never seen, or will never step foot inside of, and look at the picture gallery that I started hanging yesterday. I finally felt I was strong enough to hang all your pictures, and look at them every day. There it was, the picture of the happy little two of us. We were both so young, healthy, and in the prime of our lives. I am envious of my younger self. A younger self that still had time with you, and you always and forever by my side. I miss you like crazy.
I called Nana this morning and caught up with her. I was telling her that it doesn't hurt so bad all the time anymore, just when I let it out, like now. I find myself wishing I could call you and discuss my distress at Hayden starting kindergarten, and tell you that the sign ups are next month! I just want to ask you if you could believe how quickly my baby is growing up. I wish I could just dial your number and chat in the bathroom like we used to do, and talk about nothing in particular. I wish I could share all the goings on in my life and my family's, the good and the bad. I wish I still had your loving voice to tell me everything was going to be okay.
I can still remember your voice and little things you used to say. I close my eyes and remember your spoken words, I can still hear them. I am visualizing the last hug you ever gave me on your own, I close my eyes, and I feel your arms around me, transported for a moment back to your bedroom. Am I ridiculous for trying to remember your arms wrapped around me in love? So much love. I have been dreaming about you lately. For a long time, you have not entered my dreams, maybe since a couple of months after the funeral. I was glad a couple of nights ago when I dreamed of you. It felt like home. I dreamed of you the second night, and last night too. Doing mundane 'us' things that we used to do. Ring shopping!
I wish you could see that daddy started the same tradition with Hayden, that he did with me when I was four. He bought her the most beautiful Valentine's pink roses. He bought me roses too. The floral account is still in your name, and so your name was on the card. I wish you were here to see. The last three days, I have fallen asleep with Hayden during naptime. I have woken up just in time for the sunset every night. The last three nights sunsets have been purple and pink. Coincidence? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know anymore, but the thought has crossed my mind.
So dear mommy, I miss you. All the time. I had the mother most others only dream of, and I miss you like crazy. Every. Single. Day. I am thankful for the pictures taken and all of the memories we made together. They are what I have now.
I love you, forever in my heart-