Sunday, October 14, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
So this Easter, I really missed my mother. It was the first holiday, that my family has not spent together. My dad had to work, and my brother and sister in law took their almost three week old son to church. We had planned to go to church with my husband grandparents, but plans changed. We discovered the easter basket with the three year old, and ate breakfast. Then it hit me. The overwhelming grief. The lump in my throat, biting my lip, so my three year old will not see me cry on easter morning, empty aching hole in my chest, missing my mother on this first Easter without her, pain and sorrow that we call grief. Easter was her favorite holiday. When she was a state level president of a fraternal social service organization, her year's entire theme was based on the Easter story. Her fun symbols were bunnies and crosses. She loved Easter.
This is the first Easter when I did not spend time with my mother. This was the first year that I couldnt shop with her for the toddler's easter dress. The first year I couldn't see mom's excitement at taking my baby for Easter pictures, and at opening granny and grandpa's easter basket. My mother absolutely loved buying my daughter dresses and dressing her up. She loved my baby so very much. She spoiled her rotten. That is the way it is suppose to be. The way of grandmothers and granddaughters. My baby was her pride and joy. My baby will never again get to experience that love firsthand. That breaks my heart.
My mother's mother, Nana, and I have always been close. My Nana and Pawpaw always called me their third daughter. My mom shared an extremely close best friend relationship with her mother, and I with both of them. These relationships are some of my most treasured things. My baby will never have that with my mother and I as she grows up. We were all very lucky in that we got to share these once in a lifetime relationships. I am heartbroken. My mother died too early. Daily life had been a struggle for her for a long time. I know that she is in no more pain, no more suffering, and that she is rejoicing in heaven with her God. People tell me different ways to deal and cope with my grief, with this adjustment process, but I can only deal with it my own way. My husband always knows what I need. He had a daddy daughter morning while mommy "napped." In reality, I sobbed my eyes out for a good hour. I finally calmed down, only to start leaking again. I then fell asleep for a little while before we had to go to my huisband's family shindig.
So I decided, in the vein of being exactly like my mother, that we were taking my daddy Easter dinner, a card, and a chocolate bunny from my daughter to her grandpa. So boy was he suprised when he woke up to dinner in the fridge! I crept in and watched him sleep for a quick minute. I cannot begin to fathom his pain and suffering at the loss of his soul mate. They did everything together. They were one of the few married couples that actually enjy each other, and took care of each other. Like I said, I cannot begin to fathom the depths, from his side.
At bedtime that night, I started crying again. So I went to bed, put the baby to bed, and had another good cry. I miss my mother so much. I am great at dealing and at compartmentalizing. Some days I just cannot avoid the inevitable breakdowns. No one can. Everything I have known and been able to depend on my entire life, is now forever changed. Every day I miss my mother, and think of her all throughout the day.
I was raised in one of those familys where my Nana and Pawpaw's house was the gathering place for all big huge family holiday celebrations. Everyone came, brought their kids, and it was a very loud, loving atmosphere. Everyone was welcome. My family has always had the attitude of the more the merrier. Everyone caught up, watched sports, the kids played, and my grandmother had to be dragged out of the kitchen. It was a family affair. My husband's family is the same way. I am glad. I miss our big family shindigs. After my grandfather passed, the celebrations moved to my parents house. A year after his death, my grandmother moved in with my parents. Some other family came and went over the years, most were now doing their own family celebrations, and were too busy to all get together. My aunt and her kids moved to Charlotte, NC. My uncle and his family kept expanding and they had their own family celebrations. My mom and dad and nana became our holiday celebration. A year and a half before my mother left this earth, she moved to Charlotte with my aunt and uncle. She could not take care of my mother anymore. It was time for someone to take care of her. My poor mother could not. My father was busy taking care of my mother and working. My aunt now takes great care of my Nana. I miss her everyday too. My mother always said she did not think she would ever survive the loss of her mother. I always agreed with her. She had to deal with that loss to an extent, when my Nana moved to Charlotte. But thank goodness she never had to deal with her dying. It seems like my whole life, my mother was training me to be strong enough to live without her. She made me strong enough to endure what she feared the most, losing her mother.
I am, without a doubt, just like my mother. A fierce lover, fighter, strong, emotional woman who takes care of those around her, with a strong sense of family. I will raise my daughter the same way my mother raised me. I will never let my baby forget my mother. I promised her that I would never let her forget her Granny.
So holidays come one at a time. I am taking one at a time, surviving one at a time. It is rather unnerving and quite saddening to look back over the disassembly of our family holiday traditions. Again, there is change happening as we speak, set in motion by my mother's passing. Everything changes. That is the one constant in life. I just wish I still had my mother here with me now. I wish that had not changed. But it did, so now I find myself in a constant everyday adjustment process. I think everyday for the rest of my life will be an adjustment. It seems sometimes like it gets worse over the time span of the first year, not better. It has been four and a half months now, since she was with me. I think the shock has worn off. I still find myself in days of disbelief. I know she is gone but I cannot believe it. I was there with her every step of the way, and it's still a crazy concept to me to be without my mother. So it goes. Until next time...
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Dear Mom, hello it's me again. Today I decided on a way to constructively express my grief over losing you. I have started this blog to get it all out, and to chronicle my journey as I navigate this life without you. I had a good cry today, as today marks three months since you went to be with your lord and savior. I know you are rejoicing in heaven, but I miss you so very badly. Not a day goes by that you are not in my thoughts. I miss you every single day. This is the third monthly anniversary of your passing. It is on this day , the twenty second of every month, that it is the hardest. Hayden talks about you almost every day. I have made and will keep making sure that she never forgets you, as I promised. The other day I wished I could pick up the phone and call you. I just wanted to hear your voice on the phone for one of our almost daily conversations. Dad is taking us all to Disney on Ice, as you wanted to do this year. I wish you could go with us. I wish you could see your beautiful granddaughter. In certain faces and expressions Hayden makes, she reminds me of you. I wish you were not gone. I wish you had not been so sick, so that you could have done all the things you wanted to with Hayden. I frequently look at pictures of you, us, and the family. I look and I look, but they are no substitution for you. Having to go through this sucks. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I don't think the pain ever goes away. I think you just learn how to deal with the grief better. You learn to hide the pain, so you can figure out a new funtioning normal. I wish you were here, so that I could help you wash you hair, so I could help put your favorite fuzzy socks on, so I could blow dry and style your hair, and so that I could hug you and hold on forever. Hayden is singing to cheer me up...ok enough crying for today. On to dancing and chocolate bunnies! I love you momma!