Hold On Forever

Dear Mom, hello it's me again.  Today I decided on a way to constructively express my grief over losing you.  I have started this blog to get it all out, and to chronicle my journey as I navigate this life without you. I had a good cry today, as today marks three months since you  went to be with your lord and savior. I know you are rejoicing in heaven, but I miss you so very badly.  Not a day goes by that you are not in my thoughts.  I miss you every single day. This is the third monthly anniversary of your passing.  It is on this day , the twenty second of every month, that it is the hardest. Hayden talks about you almost every day.  I have made and will keep making sure that she never forgets you, as I promised. The other day I wished I could pick up the phone and call you.  I just wanted to hear your voice on the phone for one of our almost daily conversations.  Dad is taking us all to Disney on Ice, as you wanted to do this year.  I wish you could go with us.  I wish you could see your beautiful granddaughter.  In certain faces and expressions Hayden makes, she reminds me of you. I wish you were not gone.  I wish you had not been so sick, so that you could have done all the things you wanted to with Hayden.  I frequently look at pictures of you, us, and the family.  I look and I look, but they are no substitution for you. Having to go through this sucks.  It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I don't think the pain ever goes away.  I think you just learn how to deal with the grief better.  You learn to hide the pain, so you can figure out a new funtioning normal.  I wish you were here, so that I could help you wash you hair, so I could help put your favorite fuzzy socks on, so I could blow dry and style your hair, and so that I could hug you and hold on forever. Hayden is singing to cheer me up...ok enough crying for today.  On to dancing and chocolate bunnies!  I love you momma!