Granny, You've Got Mail

So I finally did it! I got all of the pictures of my mom hung up in my house.  There is a family tree wall, and I finally had the courage to hang all of the pictures.  The pictures that I cherish of my mother.  I did not have the courage to hang them all until now.  It was kind of a big deal.  I have healed enough to be able to look at those cherished memories every day, without being reduced to a sobbing sack of grief. My father has been to my house to see them as well.  They made him smile!

My daughter and I have talked about them several times in the past couple of weeks since they have been hung. How she was her Granny's doll baby, and how much Granny wanted her and loved her. She went through missing her a couple of weeks ago, when she was tired, saying,"I don't remember those times with my Granny!" Shot through my heart, as I promised my mother that I would never let her baby forget her.  So we have been talking about her more, almost everyday.

So this morning, my baby was going through the pictures on the wall, and asked, " Can I pray to my Granny mommy?" I replied, "Sure you can baby, anytime you want!"  So she climbed in my bed and proceeded to pray to my mother in heaven, saying," Granny I miss you!"

Water works-check.  So then we climbed that giant lump in my throat hurdle, had a good cry, and she came up with a great idea!  She said, " Momma, I need an envelope!" I asked her why.  She replied, "I want to send hugs and kisses to Granny in heaven!" AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. My child definitely shares my mother's and my propensity for big heartedness. And the ability to pull on my heartstrings at the drop of a hat.

So I go and get her a card, and sit her down at the table to get started.  She immediately writes I, draws a  heart, and a u. I tear up again.  She then draws herself and an anatomically correct "Granny".  She draws a line and explains that they are hugging and kissing. She then has me spell to Granny From Hayden out loud for her while she addresses the outside of the envelope.  She then puts her card in the envelope and says, "we can't forget all the hugs and kisses!" I am a mess at this point.

She then asks me to take it to the mailbox, since we are still in our jammies.  I say sure, and she watches me carry it our, and pretend deposit in the mailbox.  She said, "so Granny can pick it up!"  have a mini-breakdown en route to the mailbox! I will save this special card forever!

So Granny, you've got mail.  A very special delivery, from your doll baby! I just know that you received your special delivery to heaven!

My Little Plant and I

Dear Mom,
             I wanted to share something, and you aren't around to call, so I am putting it out here on the blog.  It's about a plant.  A potted plant that I received at your funeral.  A former youth group member and her momma sent it to us when you died.  All the multitude of flowers that we received, and that filled our house after your wake, are now gone.  All but this one remaining potted plant.  It still has the original ribbon around the base that says comfort, and has grown a bit. It is beautiful, and full of life. 
  You know me, I do not have any semblance of green thumbery.  I have never kept a plant alive, that required care, more than two years in my life.  Just ask my best friend Auntie J, I killed almost all of her plants once when I was plant sitting, during a staywithhermomduringabrokenankle extended absence! The only other plant I did not kill was an amaryllis, which doesn't require frequent anything.  That plant turned into a game to see how long we could go without watering it.  It loved the abuse and being ignored.  The plant became a family joke. It was one I got for a Christmas/housewarming gift about 7 years ago! It has long since joined the plant retirement community in the sky.
   Any time a leaf turns brown and dies, I freak out.  I immediately start worrying if I have watered it too much?  Did I start the ball rolling, that sets in motion, the sequence of events that will lead to it's impending demise? I worry about this plant like I have never worried about anything green before.  It is strange to me how I worry about this plant.
   I silently look at it and greet it every morning.  In all my ridiculousness, I was thinking about why keeping this plant alive is so important to me.  I have come to the following conclusion.  I love this plant.  I love it like I have loved no other.  It symbolizes the last thing that you indirectly gave me.  The last thing that ties me to you.  I have no more mommy hugs, no more mommy kisses, no more giggles with my mother like we were little school girls, and no more fun girls day shopping outings with you, me and my daughter.  What I have, as I wrote in my last post, are Pictures and Memories.  It is the last thing that ties me to you(save all your stuff and family members).  I feel as if I fail this little plant, that I am somehow failing you.  I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's my comrade in arms.
   My little plant and I started this journey in grief together.  If the plant makes it, I guess I feel that so do I.  If I take care of it, then by living, it in a sort of therapeutic kind of way, takes care of me too.  I never 'got' plant people before, but now I kind of do.  I understand how an inanimate object can be a source of solace, companionship, and comfort.  So in honor of my plant of self realization, I will be naming it.  I will keep you posted on the naming of my little buddy!  I also may need to check out a bigger pot!