Hold On Forever

Dear Mom, hello it's me again.  Today I decided on a way to constructively express my grief over losing you.  I have started this blog to get it all out, and to chronicle my journey as I navigate this life without you. I had a good cry today, as today marks three months since you  went to be with your lord and savior. I know you are rejoicing in heaven, but I miss you so very badly.  Not a day goes by that you are not in my thoughts.  I miss you every single day. This is the third monthly anniversary of your passing.  It is on this day , the twenty second of every month, that it is the hardest. Hayden talks about you almost every day.  I have made and will keep making sure that she never forgets you, as I promised. The other day I wished I could pick up the phone and call you.  I just wanted to hear your voice on the phone for one of our almost daily conversations.  Dad is taking us all to Disney on Ice, as you wanted to do this year.  I wish you could go with us.  I wish you could see your beautiful granddaughter.  In certain faces and expressions Hayden makes, she reminds me of you. I wish you were not gone.  I wish you had not been so sick, so that you could have done all the things you wanted to with Hayden.  I frequently look at pictures of you, us, and the family.  I look and I look, but they are no substitution for you. Having to go through this sucks.  It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I don't think the pain ever goes away.  I think you just learn how to deal with the grief better.  You learn to hide the pain, so you can figure out a new funtioning normal.  I wish you were here, so that I could help you wash you hair, so I could help put your favorite fuzzy socks on, so I could blow dry and style your hair, and so that I could hug you and hold on forever. Hayden is singing to cheer me up...ok enough crying for today.  On to dancing and chocolate bunnies!  I love you momma!

Hardest Day Yet

Today marks 2 months since I last spent the day with you, last held your hand, last run my fingers through your hair, last spoke with you, last time I gazed into your beautiful green eyes, last time I wiped your tears, last handed you kleenex, last tucked you in, and the last time I gazed upon the face that I loved most in all the world, my mothers. I am heartbroken without you. Today I cannot stop the tears that run unchecked down my face, for I miss you so very badly. I just want to call or drop by and tell you all about Andy and Stacy's baby shower, and my surgery, and cute lil things that Hayden does, but I cannot. We've all been doing alright, but we all have our days where the grief is overwhelming. Today is my hardest day so far. I am, as Andy said, in pieces without you. It's the first 2 months in my life that I haven't talked to my mother, seen my mother, or helped my mother. You will always be my mother, my best friend. There are no more words to express my grief over losing you....I love you mommy!

Gratitude

Today I have found the words...I would like to express my deepest gratitude to the best friends and family a girl could ask for. Thank you to Julie Cochran for driving from Beckley to babysit so we could make funeral arrangments. Thank you to Libby Salyers for listening on my first Thanksgiving without my mother. Thank you to Amy Farley for being there everyday, for midnight Black Friday Walmart shopping, for along with your husband Jeff Farley, kidnapping Ben and I from all the sadness and madness, to escape for a little while. Amy you have been my lifeline. Who else would understand the need to honor my moms request, and insist on going with me, and then having Libby and Chad join us to make it a rainbow party? Thank you Amy for dinner and my fishbowl, and Libby and Chad Salyers for accompanying us for our lil Carla celebration dinner! Thank you to Angie Miles, Debbie Michael for my first threeway breakdown, and to you and the girls for the food. Thank you to Melissa and Teresa Cisco, and Amy for the food and paper products. Thank you to Erin Hutchinson for the food, sharing the preview,and our little girls playdate. Thank you Linda for the food and my daddies favorite cake. Thank you Libby for the Angel to remember my mommies green eyes. Thank you to all the Rainbow girls for the beautiful memorial service for my momma, she was smiling down from heaven, it meant so very much. You all meant so very much to her. Thank you to my mommies grand family for all being there for her Eastern Star service. Thank you to my daddies co workers for supporting him, and for the food Jessica. Thank you to Comer, Goof, Jessica, Jeremy and Means for being there for my brother. Thank you to Vickie and Jim Wannall, Jean and Tom Reedy, Alex and Thomas Harris(and AJ)for just being there for me. Thank you to Stacy Wright for being my brothers rock, his soul mate, and for taking care of my daddy. That lil one sure is a lucky lil guy to have you for his mommy. Thank you to my daddy for being here for me too. Thank you to everyone for any little thing you may have done, a kind word, food, flowers, hugs, shoulders to cry on, from my family and I. We are forever in your debt. Lastly, thank you to my wonderful husband, Benjamin Harris. Thank you for always knowing what I need, always taking such good care of me, of my family, for cooking Thanksgiving dinner as mom and I had planned, for making our house the gathering place, for Dad and Andys first WVU tailgate party without mom, for doing the dishes, the laundry, for taking care of Hayden, for giving me space when I needed a little, for cleaning, for arranging babysitters, for being my soul mate and my rock, all without a word. I love you more than words and would be lost without you. I am a lucky girl!

Firsts

One moment, one memory, one day at a time...please keep my family, and all those who have lost someone dear to them recently, in your prayers this holiday season. Everything is a first without her...first hospital trip without my mommy by my side, dads first night, and every night in a big ol empty house alone filled with her memories, Andy's joy for his unborn son that she will never know, christmas shopping without her, decorating without her...this season is filled with laughter and tears for our family. Christmas was her favorite holiday. Please lord, let there be more laughter than tears and help us through this difficult time!

5 Days,, Last Request, and A Holiday...

Dear Mom, I have honored your last requests. I have led our broken family through our first Thanksgiving together without you, Ben cooked the menu you and I planned on the phone together. There were lots of tears, sadness, love, laughter, and togetherness. Amy took me to do you makeup, like only I knew how. We laughed, giggled, reminisced, and remembered you. We had a last girls party with you! Libby and Chad came as well. It was like old times, except you were looking down on us from heaven laughing with us, as I did your makeup, as promised. You look gorgeous. We then had dinner together in memory of you. Thank you for my sunrise of purple and gold streaming through my window this morning, in answer to my prayer. I took lots of pictures. The purple clouds above my house were beautiful. Were getting through this mommy, together. Its hard not to rejoice over your wonderful life and legacy ,as you are sending peace to me. I am so very proud of Daddy and Andy. They are so strong and they don't even know it. That's you in them. You were the strongest woman I have ever know, and you taught us all how to be strong by your example. I was blessed to be you daughter! Thank you!

32 Hours After

Dear God, I am thankful for my mother and every minute that I had her. I am thankful for the three voicemails I still have from her. I am thankful for you choosing me to be this great ladies cherished daughter. I am thankful that we were so close and that we were best friends. I am thankful for the cold cold air outside that is helping me breathe at the moment. I am thankful that I held her hand the last two days of her human life here on earth, and maybe helped her a little. I am thankful for the strength to be the strong one, and make the calls, and make the decisions. I am thankful that we all made it through the first day without her, together. I am so thankful for my husband. Shock is starting to wear off, and the hole is getting bigger....so like Hayden says dear lord, I need a little bit of help today. Help me to find that peace I have had the last three days, that has run away overnight. A mere 24 hours after you took her home to be with her, is Thanksgiving day, and I have to lead my grieving, heartbroken family through it. Her last request was planning turkey day menu with me at my house, so Ben is cooking her menu, we are honoring that request. Thankful for all the best friends, family, extended family I have pulling me through this...dear god I just need a lil bit o help right now. Amen! ...